This new year felt like months have passed with the whirlwind of unending workload and the news of my dearly beloved Godma, kids’ Godgranny’s demise.
Each day I awake just finding enough time to breathe the cold morning’s chilling air in my lungs awaiting to breathe in God’s rhema whispers in the stillness of the pitch black mornings. The prayer time lasts only a precious 15mins of stillness before I wake my girl up for school. We try to listen to Our Daily Bread’s audio for the day during my car ride sending my girl to school and my workplace. I have another 10mins of personal podcast from You Version’s daily encouragement before stepping out of my car to start work. On weekends, I awake in the morning to go for my walk-a-jogs catching up on listening to the podcasts of Bible-in-One Year by Alpha to savour and meditate slowly on God’s words.
Today’s sermon by Reverend Brandon, he shared quotes by song writer and singer Nightbirde.
“But there was a moment in the hospital when I was being moved from one bed to another, and I was crying, and suddenly I heard the Lord say to me, ‘Every day of yours was written in my book before one of them came to be’ (Psalm 139:16), and I just felt He was saying, ‘I knew this day was coming and I am here. Every one of them is written in my book.’”
……..In talking about dealing with disappointment with God, she says: “The best way I can sum it up is through the verses of Psalm 131:1-3: I do not occupy myself with things too great and marvellous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother.
“I am able to walk through the uncertainty of this season because I’ve taken on this perspective. I am no longer going to demand an answer from the universe, or from God, or the people that hurt me or abandoned me. I am not going to exhaust myself, trying to understand something that cannot be understood.
“When a child is weaned, they’re not begging for milk anymore. They already had enough and are satisfied by it. They are no longer asking for anything else from their mother, but just to be with her and held by her.”
Cited from Salt&Light
I have been a little lost at work, finding my way around new projects, new roles and assignments as a colleague who is also a dear buddy had left our workplace. Without her to hold the fort, I had to step up to do it. This year I had no luxury of leaving work early. It frustrated and drained my energy by the time I reached home, I just couldn’t continue anymore work. Discontentment and complaining slowly built up. On one of the morning walk-a-jog, the Lord reminded me how I have fallen into this pit of resentment and I needed to readjust my attitude. I knew this year is different. I have to readjust my expectations. If I can have a day that I can return early, I will rejoice and be glad! That helped me do my work more cheerfully.
Then came the news of loss. The thing is, there was only news of her departure. There was no physical closure of a wake or any sort due to the unique circumstances and wishes of my Godma and family. It came as an ethereal fact that I was not prepared to receive. I struggled for a few days to accept this news and was feeling down but by God’s grace, I was able to perform my work and had gracious support along the way by a few understanding colleagues.
My Godma was a woman of valour and had the faith of a giant. We had the privilege of visiting her during her last leg in the hospice. She ministered to even the nurses and doctors in her stay there and never failed to preach in and out of season the gospel. She looked forward to meet Jesus!
I wondered if grieving for her would be easier since we know her final destination is in Heaven with the Lord. It wasn’t as easy as I imagined. I was encouraged by another mentor who shared her insights to my grief. She shared Matthew 14, how Jesus responded when he heard of the news that John the baptist was beheaded.
“13 When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. 14 When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.”
It must have been painful for Jesus to hear of his cousin’s death in this manner. He withdrew and took time to pray and we would imagine grief as well. But when the crowd found him and he came out from the secret space of solitary place, he began his powerful job of ministering to the crowd with COMPASSION. I read on myself this passage and found that after feeding the crowd as well, “22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, ” Again he went up to be alone with God. Then he appeared walking on water to his disciples.
I took comfort that even Jesus needed time to be alone and grieve for a saint whom he knew had died a martyr and went to be with God. As humans, we will still need time to grieve and learn to let go.
Back to why I quoted Nightbirde. I think it took her years of struggling with God before she came to this conclusion of being like a weaned child. I will slowly be weaned off these grieving moments in the Lord. Slowly, but surely, I will cease wondering about the silence of my Godma’s affairs from henceforth. I surrender the need to know the answers she didn’t give me, the need to control and the need to see and bid her farewell all at Jesus’ feet. Even while I type this out, it dawned on me that Jesus too only got to hear the news on the death of John. This is why we serve this living Saviour. He who went through all the sufferings of mankind, so that He can comfort us in our distress and redeem us from our sin and sadness.
Her song ‘It’s Okay’ inspired me to blog my heart. It’s Okay to be lost sometimes. That’s because she struggled being lost and was found by The Way, The Truth and The Light in Jesus Christ. As I saw how she sang her heart out in confident trust and hope, it renewed my spirit to want to continue serving in church as a worship leader and at work no matter how I feel.
During these few weeks, I was also concerned over my children as they too, have lost their Godgranny. Yet I think the kids were more concerned over me than over themselves. They were very empathetic and gave me a lot of grace and support during this period. Perhaps, not having experienced a funeral, they too could only know at the head knowledge level? A dear friend comforted me that they may not know how to process or make anything out of this, but it’s okay not have all things figured out, we can yet TRUST in His plans even when we don’t understand.
It’s okay if we feel lost sometimes because we have certainty in God Himself.
You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you can decide to be happy
Nightbirde
I won’t wait until my grief is over or my work is off-loaded to make a decision to be joyful in the Lord. I may sometimes forget, yet remind me dear Lord to be content with this breath of life given to us each day. More than that, following Jesus’ example, I want to be compassionate to those around me and serve His purpose wherever I am and whenever He directs.
At home, my husband has been my greatest comfort and cheerleader. He will go all out to make me smile and also remind our children to be sensitive to my needs. I really marvel and thank God for the maturing teens in Yi, Bao and Tian these past year. They have risen to the challenge of serving us breakfast on Sunday morning this year. Boys have also been developing better communication amongst themselves with less bickering. Each of them are serving church in one way or another. I need to kickstart my one-on-one time with the kiddos. Arranging such times are like digging for gold. My encouragement is to make the most of such times with your child while they are still available in Primary school. Another reminder in the midst of my busy nights is to pull myself away from the laptop to cuddle up in bed. Intentionally hear a teen’s ‘nonsense’ to connect and I would be surprised to find unexpected nuggets of precious stones dropping out from nowhere. Watching movies and dramas together with them also gives us something to chat about.
Blogging this episode in this stage of my life, I wish to remind myself how blessed and privileged it is to have loved and lost someone dear. How I can continue to have hope in the midst of helplessness, bereavement and even some regrets. Now, I want to move forward in the midst of all these and continue to do His ministry, to pray for the lost, the sick and our church.
For those who are wondering how I am doing, thank you for your concerns and prayers! There will be low moments but I am Okay by God’s grace and in His time, He makes all things beautiful.
I pray those who feel a little bit lost, discouraged and bereaved or depressed, you will find courage in running to the One who made you in your mother’s womb.
For more post for Dads, hop over to my hubby’s blog
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